Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?