went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”