went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”


“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.


if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship


me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No


Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*



*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.