went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
excuse me
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Finally!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.