Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading