Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
This pepper has seen some shit
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot