Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
You Might Also Like
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.