Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

*offers Batman cough drops*

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee