Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices