Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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