Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.