Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?