Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
lmfao come on