Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids