Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.


Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.


“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.


“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day


Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other


(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*