Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”