Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.