Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I think I’m having a stroke
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉