went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses