Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?