“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u