“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

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“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*


[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
*cops taze him for 8 hours*


I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…


The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…


I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.


Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.


Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop


– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10: cool
Me: cool


*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*