We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
That 👊
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat