We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
incredible text to wake up to
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.