We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
at ease…shoulder.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]