We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
sleeping beauty
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly