We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
How dramatic are you?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.