We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute