Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

back to work

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.