We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?