We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

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[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”


date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman


House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”


I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered


“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows


I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.


I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”


I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.