We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed