@tobestewart [watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
@RowdyBowden We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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@tobestewart 
@TweetPotato314 date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
@robfee House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
@zachreinert0 I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
@Shariv67 “I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
@causticbob I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
@rmfnord If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
@rachelle_mandik I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
@SoulYodeler I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
@weinerdog4life I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.