“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
titanic
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.