We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re