We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.