we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary