We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m awake but I object,
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school