We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[commercial for twitter]
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