We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
You Might Also Like
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
For the orator and chef in all of us
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!