We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Never ghost your hitman.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]