We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon