We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.


Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter


*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*


rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day


You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.


Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust