@Wandering324 Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
@SJKSalisbury We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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@Wandering324 
@Godhatespants Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
@murrman5 *put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
@andamentalist If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
@Death_Buddy rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
@DatManGood My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
@IDontSpeakWhine Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
@aveuaskew You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
@WilliamAder Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
@BuckyIsotope RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust