“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train