We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Reporter: *ports again*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.