@English_Channel this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
@21stcenturysahm We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
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@English_Channel 
@CynicalTherapi1 My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
@thetits [Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
@AustinSommer If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
@DadandBuried Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
@aghoshb 
@_Tempo11 He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
@neiltyson Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
@cessperience If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
@peterjames48 Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”