We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
socratic questions
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
What a website
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.