@21stcenturysahm

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

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@English_Channel

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

@CynicalTherapi1

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

@DadandBuried

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@neiltyson

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”