We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

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this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time


My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.


[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*


If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions


Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.


He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”


Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas


Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”