Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.