“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Yes
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.