We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.