“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Quadruple digit IQ
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.