@NYC_Blonde
@chicnlil1 Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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@chicnlil1 
@SteveKoehler22 Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
@wittwitbarista With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
@Aunchkin “I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
@dafloydsta [job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
@Jandalize Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
@NoTheOtherJohn “He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
@iwearaonesie *smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
@huntigula Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
@ZombieProblms Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.