@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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@robotrowboat

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@FuckTyping

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

@SortaBad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.