“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.


With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.


“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.


[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*cuts wires*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one


Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.


Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”