“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.