@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@wittwitbarista

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

@Aunchkin

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.