@NYC_Blonde
@robotrowboat Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
You Might Also Like
@robotrowboat 
@KalvinMacleod When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
@FuckTyping The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
@I_Bl33d_Purple No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
@PS_IRuddYou 7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
@XplodingUnicorn Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
@SortaBad [Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
@_davidlucas_ The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
@FatherWithTwins My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
@J_Dazzle76 If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.