“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.


No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]


The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.


My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.


If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.