We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
opening twitter today
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.