were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
blocked.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.