Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”