West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
You Might Also Like
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Story of my life…..
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Attacked by a mop.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
TRAIN’S HERE
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.