@slimmy_shady

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

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@felixoshea

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

@PoodleSnarf

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@TheAlexNevil

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@TheToddWilliams

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

@clichedout

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.