Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Me: Oh phew!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
ME: Sure is beautiful here
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.