Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table