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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
How do you milk an almond?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Last-minute gift idea!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
im 7 sauces long
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.